Losing someone, whether a close friend, loved one or family member can be bewildering and feel utterly overwhelming. Dealing with that loss is something that is unique to each and every one of us. We will all deal with grief in our own way, in our own time and no two-people’s experiences will carry exactly the same form.
Whilst speaking with a client of My Last Request, a story unfolded about grief and the reason why she was now choosing to record her wishes. We asked if we might share her story and she happily agreed. She said if it helps someone it’s worth it…
Conversations are not enough…
Our client had lost her Grandma; of whom she was also the primary carer for many years. Grandma sadly suffered from Alzheimer’s, was diabetic (and had other ailments), but was battling daily to stay at home. Grandma reached the fantastic age of 90 and she passed away, peacefully in her own home; where she lived for over 60 years. This is was her one, true wish, of which our client did manage to honour; being at home.
Our client and her Grandma had an unbreakable bond, a unique one. They saw each other every day, and often nights, year after year. Grandma looked after our client as a child until the roles reversed.
Grandma was widowed and had two children of her own. Sadly (and commonly so), some conflict had arisen in the family; with one of the children not wanting any involvement with the care. This meant that all care was through one side of the family with little communication outside this close-knit circle. Without going into too much detail, this formed the basis of our client wanting to detail her wishes…
Because one of the children chose to have no involvement, naturally they were not privy to certain information. They weren’t around when multiple conversations or events, where wishes were expressed, took place.
As with any relationship, it requires time and communication to learn a person and their likes, dislikes, desires and…wishes. Without the time (and that communication) it can lead to ignorant assumptions…
Grandma had mentioned many times to our client about the type of service she’d like. She exclaimed preferences on flowers, songs, people she would like to know and other details she was equally not interested in. She said where her Will was. She said from that will (where her estate was detailed) how she wanted to ensure grandchildren and other family member were to be “looked after”. She talked about donating items such as clothes and passing on jewellery.
This however was the problem; it was only conversations. Grandma did not write this down or ‘record’ it anywhere that could be referenced. Add conflict into the mix and this can become (and did in this case) a heady mix. Arguments ensued as to what Grandma actually wanted and how to go about things. All they had to go on was a very basic will, where these personal wishes had been left out; probably with Grandma assuming that the people who mattered knew what she wanted anyway.
Let people know exactly what you want by recording it…
Imagine how this family conflict, coupled with the devastation of losing someone you’ve cared for every day of your life might impact you.
Our client decided this would not happen with her and that she must detail what she wants, for reference and to avoid any additional stress to her family and friends.
“You never think that conflict will hit your family, and then it does and it’s awful. No one budges, people become entrenched and lose sight of the common ground; that we are all grieving for the same person.”
This is not a “plug” for our service. You will sign up if you want to and in your own time. It was more about raising the subject of “what if” and how family conflict (especially when someone passes away) is quite common. Like death, we don’t want to think it will happen to us, but it can detract from the memory of the person who has passed.
Our client said, despite knowing exactly what Grandma wanted, it was exhausted fighting other family members over certain details in the end. How sad.
If you can avoid that, why wouldn’t you? That’s why she detailed her wishes and can update as many times as she wishes.
If you have been affected by a bereavement, firstly we are sending you our deepest sympathies and warmth at this sad time.
Secondly, there are resources and people who are out there to help you. Below are some of the links our clients have found useful:
Things to say and do for those coping with grief
Mind – bereavement support guide