When a family member or loved one dies, it can be a traumatic and overwhelming time. Everyone grieves differently and in their own time. Sometimes children can be overlooked (unintentionally) in the grieving process, with the assumption that they may not be fully aware of the situation.
Researchers found that in the UK, a parent with one or more dependent children dies every 22 minutes. That’s about 45,000 children expected to lose a parent or a sibling every year.
It is vital that support is offered to everyone, from an infant to elderly person when it comes to death and bereavement.
If someone was close to a child, or present in their everyday lives, they will be affected. If a death is sudden, unexpected or in difficult circumstances this can also have an effect. How the rest of the family deal with/are dealing with a death, their religion and culture can also affect how a child deals with a loss.
According Young Minds, children of different ages will ‘understand’ death differently…
Infants can feel loss that affects the way they are looked after and their daily routines; they are sensitive to unhappy feelings around them. They might become anxious, fretful and needy.
Pre-schoolers usually see death as temporary and reversible, influenced in this belief by cartoon characters that ‘die’ and ‘come to life again’.
From age five, children understand the basic facts: death happens to all living things, has a cause, and is permanent separation. They can understand that dead people do not see, hear, speak or feel and they do not need to eat and drink.
Young children believe that they are a cause for what happens around them and therefore can feel responsible for the death, e.g. by being naughty.
Teenagers understand death more like adults; they are aware of others’ feelings but can often find it difficult to put their feelings into words. They may not show their feelings in case they upset others.
Siblings may react very differently to loss. Where one sibling might be immediately and obviously grief-stricken, another may not show any signs of stress or grief for some time afterwards and find it difficult to come to terms with their loss.
A children’s time at school is also a part of the grieving process. Families of course play a huge role, but family members are also grieving themselves, too; so, the additional support can help.
A report titled Consequences of childhood bereavement in the context of the British school system, states: “Staff in schools are ideally suited to offer support at a time where bereaved families might not be able to, because family members are themselves in the throes of grief.
“Not only can such support help the child deal with grief, studies indicate that it can also help limit the social and educational issues that can arise as a consequence of the loss.”
Winston’s Wish, a child bereavement charity, called for Ofsted to ensure that the revised inspection framework takes into account the impact of bereavement on children and young people’s lives.
How Can I Help My Child in Bereavement?
When children experience trauma, such as bereavement, changes in behaviour may occur. These might include losing interest in normal activities they previously enjoyed, separation anxiety (especially in younger children), developing new fears, disturbed sleep (such as nightmares), reduced concentration and achievement at school; and emotions such as anger and irritability are warning signs.
It is difficult for family members to be brave for others in their family, whilst also grieving themselves, but there are little things you can do that will help.
- Reassure them they are loved and comfort them.
- Assure them that you are there for them if they need to talk or just want to be close to someone.
- Tell everyone who needs to know, e.g. school, friends’ parents, clubs etc
- Communicate honestly with them e.g. include them in what’s happening and help them to talk and try to make sense of what has happened.
- Ensure they are eating and drinking (grief can affect appetite). It is important they stay hydrated and well fed because energy will already be depleted
- Make sure they are safe from harm e.g. help with any tasks which require concentration that may be affected by the grieving process (crossing roads etc).
- Keep clean and warm and with younger children some kind of bedtime routine is key to ensure they are rested
Professional help can be so important in supporting families. Here are some good sources of help:
Barnados – Download a booklet ‘How to explain death to children and young people’
Sue Ryder – Clear advice about talking to children about loss and bereavement
Grief Encounter – Helping children through bereavement. Support services range from a supportive voice at the end of a phone, family Fundays, Grief Groups and Remembrance Days, to long-term one-to-one counselling.
- Phone: 020 8371 8455 (weekdays, office hours)
- Email: contact@griefencounter.org.uk
Child Bereavement UK – Supports families and educates professionals when a baby or child of any age dies or is dying, or when a child is facing bereavement.
- Helpline: 0800 0288 840 (Mon-Fri 09:00-17:00)
- Email: support@childbereavementuk.org
How Can I Help My Child in Bereavement?
When children experience trauma, such as bereavement, changes in behaviour may occur. These might include losing interest in normal activities they previously enjoyed, separation anxiety (especially in younger children), developing new fears, disturbed sleep (such as nightmares), reduced concentration and achievement at school; and emotions such as anger and irritability are warning signs.
It is difficult for family members to be brave for others in their family, whilst also grieving themselves, but there are little things you can do that will help.